a dramatization presented by the Just Shoot The Panda players
The Smiling Man
Proxy Candidate One
Proxy Candidate Two
Directed by Allan Smithee
Scene: A dorm/house/apartment
Smiley: Hey there!
Proxy One: OH JESUS WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR FACE?!
Smiley: Lots of things. Anyway, I was wondering, is your spouse/child/best friend/beloved pet at home? I have this spare bouquet just kinda lying around.
Proxy One: A bouquet?
Smiley: Yeah, it's kind of my thing. Sort of a "torture you soon" gift. Are they around?
Proxy One: Oh God no please don't give that to them I'll do anything?
Smiley: Well, okay. Go here, and do this murder/kidnapping/pyramid scheme/ice cream social
Proxy One: And then what?
Smiley: Just, you know, chill out.
Proxy One: ...anything else.
Smiley: Oh, you know, just LOOK INTO MY MOTHERFUCKING EYES
Proxy One: OH JESUS I'M CRAZY NOW
Scene II: A school/business/back alley
Proxy Two: OH GOD YOUR FACE
Smiley: Isn't it lovely!? Say, I was in the neighborhood, thought I'd drop this bouquet off for your significant other/life partner/mistress. Is he/she/it/hir around? I have a busy schedule of heart removal and gardening ahead of me.
Proxy Two: Oh no, please, don't give them that...
Smiley: You twisted my arm! The bouquet stays with me...I just need a small favor. There's this guy, doing this murder/kidnapping/dog and pony show/petting zoo. I need you to go kill them.
Proxy Two: What?! I can't--
Smiley: Oh, hey, I suddenly find my not-hands putting this bouquet on this desk. I wonder how that happened.
Proxy Two: Okay! Okay! So...I just kill the guy? And my significant other/life partner is fine?
Smiley: Sure*, let's go with that. Also, LOOK INTO MY MOTHERFUCKING EYES
Proxy Two: OH GOD THE CRAZY
Proxy One: Man, that ice cream social sure was easy. Except for this guy trying to kill me.
Smiley: Hi again!
Proxy One: Oh God!
Smiley: Huh. You lived. I guess I owe Archie twenty bucks.
Proxy One: What...what's going on?! You sent that person to kill me?!
Proxy: But why?! I did what you told me to! See?!
Smiley: Yeah, I don't really care about that anymore. I never really did, to be honest. So anyway, I need you to go to this town/city/village. There'll be this guy. You need to kill them, now.
Proxy: But, wait...did you tell this guy to just stand there and wait, too?
Smiley: Oh no, s/he knows you're coming.
Proxy: But...why? What does this even accomplish? Is there even a point to this?
Smiley: Of course, silly. It makes me smile.
Starring Penny Balisong as the Smiling Man
Tara Tillinghast as Proxy One
Chelsea Balisong as Proxy Two
and introducing Jeanette "This is Stupid" Cotton as the bouquet.